Monday 4 July 2011

I could have been a contender.

M is five weeks old tomorrow.  So I'm going back to work.

No, I haven't gone insane, I'm just self-employed.  And it's not as bad as it sounds.  It's only one day a week, and it won't even be for the full day, but I do feel that I need to keep my hand in, my face known and my brain ticking over, or I won't have a client left when I do go back.  And given that I only have one client, even if that client is my former employer, I kind of need to keep in with them.

So I'm not complaining. Much. 

Actually I'm not complaining at all. I don't have to do this. The government very kindly gives me £120 a week not to work, and by choosing to work, I'm going to lose that (or at least I am after ten days of working), so I'm not doing this lightly.   I'm doing it because I like my job and because I am incredibly lucky to have it.  My client has supported (and indeed made possible) a move to Scotland and is continuing to support my career, even if I'm not technically employed by them any more.  I get to work when I like and for as long as I like; I'm averaging about eight hours a week at the moment, which I get to do from the comfort of my own home, and it pays me enough to keep me in breastpads and floortiles...

So I am unbelievably lucky.  I am out of the rat race.  I no longer have to juggle.  I don't have to make apologies to my colleagues for leaving early and to the nursery for arriving late, or take holiday when someone has chicken pox, or have my heart broken when someone else falls over and calls out the nanny's name rather than my own.  I don't have to feel like my entire life is a compromise any more.  

But then last week I found something out. 

I have only had one real job in my life.  I started on 10 September 2001, a new trainee solicitor with seven others.  Of the eight of us, only three, including myself, are left with any connection to the firm. 

And last week the other two were made partners.

That could have been me.  That should have been me.  I am as good a lawyer as either of them.  I could have had that badge, that validation to the outside world that I am good at my job, that I have a brain and I'm not afraid to use it.

It could have been me. I could have stayed in the jungle of the juggle.  I could, like the one of the other two who is also a woman, have dashed back to work early after maternity leave to  prove my commitment.  I could have stopped at one child.  I could have remained in our little house in London.  I could have stayed late at work to schmooze, to network, to bring in business.  I could have written articles in my spare time, and got my name known and my face recognised.

I could have been a contender.

But I'm not.  And I won't ever be.  And the thing is I didn't, and don't, want to be.  I made a decision to step away from that life, and I did it with my eyes open.  I didn't want to be that person, and I didn't want to do any of those things.  I looked at the future, at the prospect of that life and I decided that it wasn't for me.    And I know that that was, and is, the right decision for us.

So why am I still just a little bit miffed?

14 comments:

  1. Human nature! Congratulations on the new baby and good luck with the juggling but it sounds like you have it sussed out :)

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  2. Golly that was quick! But yes, you're right... I appear to be human, don't I?!

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  3. I left a good career to have my son and 15 years later I still haven't gone back! I think you have the best of both worlds; having your lovely family yet keeping your hand in so you can still follow your profession.

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  4. That's really interesting, as I was reading it I was thinking 'but she's still a bit miffed' and then I read your last line LOL. Some time in the 70s some bloody woman said we could have it all and we've been expecting that ever since and we can't have it all. They were wrong. It's a rotten juxtaposition if motherhood to want to be the best SAHM and also a successful career woman.

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  5. Oh, I KNOW that feeling. I could have had it all as well, and decided I wouldn't. It's still not easy to cope with the demotion in others' eyes, though. And in my own, sometimes...

    Good luck going back to work!

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  6. I have read your blog for awhile but have never commented. Today's post has brought me out of my "lurker" status. Don't EVER doubt that you have made the right decision for yourself and your family. I am a 54-year-old attorney in the U.S. I stopped at one child but got off the fast track and worked part-time through the majority of her childhood. I don't regret it. I am now a partner in my own firm (2 partners & 1 associate) and have been for the past 10 years (since my daughter was in high school). She graduated from college summa cum laude and is gainfully employed with a professional position in a tough job market in our area. Things will turn out fine in your career in time. You are NOT left behind. You have time to be an attorney when your little ones are older and grown. Be a mom first now. They need you. You can't see it now (I felt like you do when my daughter was little) but with hindsight you will.

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  7. I know that feeling too. So well. So miffed. And then I think that I wouldn't swop my life for theirs for all the tea in China so then I just feel a bit smug instead.

    Sounds like you are being a legend! x

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  8. I think it is hard when you put so much of yourself into something then your life changes track. I went back to work after having Piran but only PT so I did a different job in the same department. I liked the job but I had to watch the idiot that they gave my old job to mess it up time and time again and I found that so very frustrating and it is that which is making me reluctant to return again this time.

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  9. But you are happy, and would you have been if you had chosen the other "path?" I think it is totally natural to feel frustration or a little lament over the sacrifices we make, even if those sacrifices are totally worth.

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  10. Friends of mine are now partners. As I left when I was a very junior lawyer and partners still had that "awe", I sometimes find it hard to believe contemporaries of mine are now in that position!

    I too have thought, but for the unexpected path I took (to move abroad with my husband for his work), that might be me. I stepped off my career path in 2001 and have never looked back. I really believe my life is so much more fulfilled and exciting now with the challenges of three children and far too many other projects!

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  11. It would be nice if we could have it all. Maybe a future generation will be able to. But not you (I don't say "us", because it would be insulting to you to include me in the same generation!)

    Well done on getting back to work so soon. That sounds like an early return to me. I hope your client appreciates it.

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  12. I've been hopeless with blog reading recently and have been meaning to come over for a while to see how you're getting on with your new little boy and your girls. I don't blame you for being miffed, even though you've made the choices you have. When you've spent all that time in education and then a career it's hard to accept your life is on a different path even though you chose it. I suppose we were conditioned to do all the things that the boys and men do and yet becoming a mother changes everything. Yes you can go back to a career but, like you, once I became I mum I didn't want to any more. I often feel annoyed by things I haven't and won't achieve. So I think it's fair to feel miffed but also feel proud for not doing what you feel pressured to do.

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  13. I did similar when I decided to find work from home that fitted in rather than keep trying to have it all.
    I totally understand, I konw it's the right thing to do and,actually, it's amazing where opportunities appear from, but there's still a slight lingering notion that I could have tried harder/done better.

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  14. You're felling a bit miffed because, in spite of it being your choice, at the end of the day you are still only human!

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I know. I'm sorry. I hate these word recognition, are you a robot, guff things too, but having just got rid of a large number of ungrammatical and poorly spelt adverts for all sorts of things I don't want, and especially don't want on my blog, I'm hoping that this will mean that only lovely people, of the actually a person variety, will comment.

So please do. Comments are great...